I can’t seem to bring myself to blog. For the first several years, I used to be monthly. During the first COVID lockdown, I was biweekly. After my mom died, it’s closer to bi-yearly. It’s cathartic for me, but it was written mostly with my mom in mind as the reader. Of course, I know there are other readers, but that is how I wrote it.
Also, even though I reported on bad or negative things, I tried very hard not to be negative. There were definitely some crazy struggles, but I tried too much to be light, and positive. I’m struggling now –not as bad or crazy as some struggles I’ve had. Certainly, nothing I can’t handle, but I don’t know how positive I can be. I think COVID has done a number on me mentally. I keep seeing things about that on the news, and I feel it’s real.
Okay, so the struggle. Like everywhere, China has a big shortage of teachers, specifically Foreign Teachers. In a way this is good for me, because schools will pay top dollar for us now, fight over us, and treat us even better to encourage us to stay in China. I heard an estimated 50% of foreign teachers have left China during or after the last lockdown this past spring. It seems high. It’s noticeable, but maybe not that high.
The problem is that my school was short three to five teachers at the beginning of the year, and they took three foreigners who were not teachers and put them in that spot. I am one of those displaced people, and they put me in third grade. I’m in hell. I am NOT a primary school teacher. I have never been, nor would I ever want to be. I went to this school because I didn’t want the stress of being a teacher. I wanted to be a full-time librarian. I don’t want to make lessons plans and make sure kids line up, and check homework, and every other duty a homeroom teacher needs to attend to.
Last year, I was a full-time librarian. It may have been the best year of my working life. I loved it so much! And I loved my co-librarian, and the girls loved their teachers and their extra classes and everything was absolutely perfect –way better than I expected.
This year, they didn’t tell me that I would be teaching third grade until the first day of school. In addition, they said they don’t pay for 10th-12th grade, so they put Rumi in ninth grade again, and with the teacher shortage the girls don’t have beginning Chinese anymore either. Meanwhile, no one is manning the library and it’s wrecked! I AM NOT happy. I am so very not happy.
Three times, they have told me they hired a third grade teacher, and I will be able able to go back to the library. Three times, this has fallen through for one reason or another. I have lost my voice, gotten horribly sick, and my feet hurt everyday. I don’t want to be a primary teacher.
Now, there are gobs of jobs available right now, even though the school year started. I’ve interviewed for three and gotten them. But there’s another problem. Can I break my contract and leave without a court battle like last time? I don’t think that they will take losing me lightly, since, in reality, they are losing two positions.
In other news, I have a few observations. One, everyone raves about Rumi and Raine. I mean they are good and I really have no problems at all, but its weird how in one day, the physics teacher told me again (on the daily) how much she loves both of the girls. Last year she wished Rumi was her daughter, and this year, she had no idea her sister was as awesome. Then there’s their Chinese homeroom teachers, parents at our friends’ child’s birthday party, the guys who do my hair, my doctor, our dentist. Raine often helps the first-grade teachers in her free time, and I’ll get a text. Everyone makes a point to say something, and I hear it from different people an average of three times a day. It makes me feel wonderful. I’m not having those horrible teenage years everyone talks about.
Another thing that I’ve noticed is that we are crazy tired, like abnormally tired all the time. When I was in school, I did stuff afterwards, before dinner and after dinner. I went on dates, to football games, to the mall or McDonalds, over a friend’s house. I wasn’t tired. The girls and I drag ourselves home by 4:30, eat, and go to bed. Its sad. I don’t know if that’s a COVID leftover thing, a 53 year-old-I shouldn’t-be-a-primary-school-teacher-thing or what, but I hate it.
Last Sunday, I took the girls shopping. We bought books, clothes and had burgers. I made us do something, and it was fun, but mostly, my feet hurt so bad. I can’t do something like that after work, and they just want to sleep. But we don’t even watch TV. I did buy some games and made us play after dinner a few times, but this just not feel normal.
So, as you can see, it’s been a bit of bleak time. I’m not sure if there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I find out on Monday if a high school that we all particularly like, will offer me the head librarian position that is opening up next month. I had the interview, we toured the school. We all loved it, but Raine would go to the middle school on a different campus very nearby. Rumi can graduate, and I would strictly be librarian. We especially love it because about thirty percent of the students are foreign, and the girls even have friends who go there. But also, we LOVE that neighborhood! It’s where our doctor, dentist, hairdresser, the girls’ youth group, and a few favorite restaurants are.
I also should mention the COVID crisis hasn’t ended. We get tested everyday. And school, it’s first thing. At home, there are announcements on bullhorns rounding everyone up. We still wear masks in public, even outside, except not in school, because we a tested everyday. And there are still lockdowns, not by neighborhood, but by building, except, unlike last time, we hope for them, because we wouldn’t have to leave home.
I haven’t been able to bring myself to say this all “out loud,” but also, I vacillate between crazy busy, and drained. We had a nice summer. We went to hotels, we hung out, they went to camp with about 200 foreign kids. China is still good, it’s just my current situation that is really messing me up.
Smiling in Shanghai 