I am not OK. How are you?

I had a friend ask me this week why I haven’t written a blog. In February, was my last one all about our trip to New Zealand. But my little brother died pretty unexpectedly in March, and I’m still not OK. 

I’ve been crazy busy with the end of the school year, all the testing, grading, projects, and even my two evaluations. There’s also, all of the girls’ projects, and activities, like Raine being in Alice in Wonderland, and Rumi winning first prize in the cross-campus (12 schools) Science Fair. I’m worn out. I’m burned-out. I am not ok.

There is a bit of oddly good news. I’ve gained 10k, my legs and feet were painful and swollen. I’ve generally not been feeling well for weeks. Turns out that I’m getting all the bad side-effects from my blood pressure medicine. My doctor exchanged it and I’m already better. I lost 4k in 3 days, and no painful feet and legs, so that’s all a huge relief because I couldn’t live like that. Still, I’m not 100% ok.

Also, I got us into counselling. Mostly, I needed it for grief, but it didn’t work out that way. It was super expensive and not helpful at all. –clearly. I got prescribed anti-depressants, but I never started them, because the side effects looked much more horrible than my depression.

At the end of the month, we will come to the states. We will see Fourth of July for the first time in 14 years. We will look at some university options, and tour them. Rumi will get her senior pictures (I hope). And, we’ll prepare for moving next summer, even though the girls have expressed a willingness to move right now.  We’re all worn out, and we are not ok.

I keep wondering if I’m normal. I haven’t seen anyone go as hard over the death of a sibling as I have. I don’t think it’s normal. I still cry. I’m still angry. I still forget and want to talk to him sometimes. I’ve never been in the front row at a funeral. I don’t know how people keep it together.

I’m glad I could come. For my mom’s funeral, we were locked down. In fact, there were no planes leaving.  The girls were so young, I couldn’t leave them by themselves, like I did this time. And I definitely didn’t have extra cash for an immediate plane ticket. Everything that was against me last time, was in my favor this time. Also, I was on the first non-stop flight since COVID. It only took me a bit more than 12 hours to get there.

The whole experience was surreal. It was 88 degrees in Shanghai when I left, and it snowed several inches in Cleveland when I got there. As I didn’t plan the trip, I forgot where I was when I woke up the first three days. I don’t want to talk about the rest of it. I am still not OK.