I bought a blow-dryer the other day. I haven’t had one for years. It didn’t even cost five dollars, but it meant something very real to me. It meant I am trying to make myself comfortable. I’m no longer “doing without” because everything feels temporary or unimportant.
The very next day, I felt really exhausted for no particular reason. That’s when I realized I have been breathing easier. I am no longer in survival mode. And so since I had some time to sit and think about it, I tried to remember when my survival mode actually started. It started the day Osa left. I have not been able to relax since that day. I have had no room to breathe calmly. It’s been one thing after another after another with absolutely no down time or recovery.
When I went to the hot springs the last time and realized that I had forgotten how to relax, it was as strange to me as the first time I tried to eat applesauce during my cancer recovery. My mouth had forgotten what to do. My tongue didn’t move. My throat didn’t swallow. I had to wipe it off of my tongue. Here, I had a past of taking 3-5 yoga classes a week for hours, and after four years of fighting battle after battle, I forgot how to relax.
It doesn’t mean I’m battle free. I still have things to face, but it’s manageable. Mostly it’s manageable due to some really terrific friends. I’m starting to think that I’m feeling somewhat normal –whatever that means.